5 Reasons You Should Never Take Advice from Celebrities By John Cheese

scottums · 2012-05-25T07:15:47.767978+00:00

Goldie Hawn's advice is to stand in front of the ocean. Which I'm sure that, for the multimillionaires living on beachfront property, it's a great idea. Or for the small percentage of people who live close enough to the ocean to drive there. But for the overwhelming majority of the globe, it's just gibberish horseshit spraying from the mouth of an ultra-privileged, out of touch alien.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to live in New Zealand when there is an ocean 20mins away, no matter where you live. Shit there is an Ocean 200m from the end of my driveway.

Clayburn · 2012-05-24T23:22:17.149551+00:00

There was an episode of the TV Show Sliders in which they arrive in a parallel universe where the majority of men had died. I think, much like Moniffx suggests, they just ended up being human sperm dispensers.

Edit: Video Link

Rellikten · 2012-05-24T21:28:41.446465+00:00

Try http://www.istockphoto.com/ or http://www.dreamstime.com/ or relatively inexpensive stock photography.

Or you can use http://www.sxc.hu/ for free stock imagery (check the licensing conditions though, you may have to reference the photographer).

Sockmccormick · 1 day

Americans don't give a fuck what the rest of the world thinks

Can't imagine why so many people dislike America.

Sockmccormick · 1 day

Err... I pretty sure that 'the US' in the context stands for 'the United States.' In fact I'm happy to bet $20 on it.

Sockmccormick · 1 day

The film only managed to recoup $101 million of its $109 million budget domestically at the box office, making it a box office failure in the US.; however, an additional $32 million from foreign countries brought the film's total box office revenue to $133 million, making the film a commercial success in countries other than the US

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the first half of this sentence rather redundant?

It's basically saying: "If you only count the money it made in the USA, it was a failure. However, if you count all the money it made overseas too, then it was a success."

It's that like saying "If you only count the money I made before lunch, I get paid below minimum wage. However if you could all the money I make in a day I actually earn above minimum wage."

foucaults_uvula · 1 day

On a side note - wouldn't it be awesome if we could see more of the electromagnetic spectrum. Maybe not all the time, perhaps just at will or something. Imagine being able to see the FM radio waves floating past.

calbin0 · 2 days

This is something I put together about a year ago for another thread:

There are plenty of good tips listed here already, so I will give you some slang you can throw around. Also, here is a good guide for perfecting the New Zealand Accent.

Slang [Pronunciation]: Definition

The Basics:

Gidday [Gid•A]: 1. Hello.

Kia Ora [Key•or•a]: 1. Hello.

Cheers [Chairs]: 1. Hello. 2. Goodbye. 3. Thank you.

Chur Bro [Ch•err Br•oh]: 1. Thank you. 2. I acknowledge the positive comment you have made.

Yeah, nah [Year, naa]: 1. No.

Tumeke *[Two•meck•eh]: 1. This is comical to the point of crazy. 2. This is too much for me to handle without laughing.

Bro [Br•oh]: 1. Friend.

Shot [shot]: 1. Thank you. 2. Well done. 3. Great work. 4. I agree with you.

Dunny [Done•ee]: 1. Toilet

Not even, ow [Not Even hou r]: 1. That is not true.

All Blacks [All Blacks]: 1. New Zealand's National Rugby Team - think "NBA All Stars". AKA. "The Boys" "The A Bs" "The Lads" "Our Boys" "The Blacks"

Haere Mai [Hi•re•my]: 1. Come over here. 2. Hello, come in.

Haere Ra [Hi•re•ra]: 1. Goodbye. 2. Thanks for coming.

Advanced:

Boof Head [Bawf Ed]: 1. Sports lover. 2. Jock 3. Idiot.

Gawk/Gawking [Gork/Gorking]: 1. Staring 2. Ogling

Far out [Far out]: 1. That is amazing.

Manus [Marn•es]: 1. Idiot. 2. Fool. 3. Plonker. 4. Egg.

Egg [Egg]: See Manus

Throw a wobbly [Throw a wob•lee]: 1. Have a tantrum.

You are a Good Cunt [Good Cunt]: 1. You are a gentleman and a scholar.

You are a Cunt [Cunt]: 1. You are an Australian.

Kai [Rhymes with Sky]: 2. Food.

Bach [Batch]: 1. Holiday home in the North Island

Crib [Crib]: 1. Holiday home in the South Island

Bludge [Bluge]: 1. To get something without giving anything back in return. 2. A torrent leecher.

Frock [F•rock]: 1. A dress.

Expert: (Changes depending on context)

Cuz [Ca•zzz]: 1. Short for Cousin. 2. Close friend. 3. Family member. 4. Stranger on the street who you share some communality with.

Sweet as [Sweet us]: 1. Yes. 2. Ok, I will do that. 3. I acknowledge your statement. 4. I accept what you are saying to be true. 5. I disagree but accept your decision.

Sweet [Sweet]: 1. Ok 2. A sigh of acknowledgement. 3. Uh huh.

Eh? [A]: 1. What? 2. Say that again and I'll punch you in the face. 3. I didn't quite hear that?

Root/Rooted/Rooting [Root/Rooted/Rooting]: 1. Break/Broken/Breaking. 2. [We are] up shit creek 3. Have sex.

Bugger [Bugger]: 1. Damn. 2. [You] Scallywag 3. Fuck [You] 4. Go Away {Bugger off} - Think of it like the word Fuck.

She'll be right [She'll be right]: 1. Everything will be alright. 2. There is no need to worry. 3. This too will pass.

Advanced Sayings:

"She went off like a dunny door in a hurricane": "She is quite active while having sex"; "The car has a large amount of torque."

"Two thirds of three eighths of fuck all": "Not much."; "Very little"

"It's the same day, David.": "These two events occurred on the same day and are therefore related." - [Originating from a road safety ad in the 1980s (Edit: Sorry, 1990s)]

"You're not in Guatemala now, Dr Ropata.": "You are no longer in your comfort zone."; "We are not in Kansas anymore." - [Originating from New Zealand's long running Soap Opera "Shortland Street"]

"Cook me some fucking eggs.": "Please do as I say, or I will punch you repeatedly in the face." - [Originating from the New Zealand classic movie "Once were Warriors"]

"[S]he let out a technocoloured yawn": "[S]he vomited."

"[S]he is useless as tits on a bull.": "[S]he is useless"

Here is an example of a typical kiwi conversation at a BBQ, see if you can keep up:

Sam: "Gidday!"

Dave: "Kia Ora, Bro"

Sam: "Bit a kai?"

Dave: "Yeah mate, got any snarlers on the go?"

Sam: "You know it."

Dave: "Shot bro. Did ya see the boys last night?"

Sam: "Did I what. Tumeke."

Dave: "My Cuz droped a hundie."

Sam: "What a Boof head"

Dave: "Yeah, total Manus."

Sam: "You want sauce on your banger?"

Dave: "Yeah, nah"

Sam: "Here ya go."

Dave: "Cheers. He what you doing this weekend?"

Sam: "Off to the bach"

Dave: "Choice."

Sam: "And you?"

Dave: "Going hook up with this chick I met the other day in town."

Sam: "Sweet as. Root her?"

Dave: "Bro, she went off like a dunny door in a hurricane."

Sam: "Shot bro."

Dave: "You got any Shellas on the go?"

Sam: "Two thirds of five eights of fuck all."

Dave: "Ah well, she'll be right."

Sam: "Hey you want a beer?"

Dave: "All good, brought a crate."

Sam: "ooo... couldn't bludge one could i?"

Dave: "Sweet as."

Sam: "Aww you're a good cunt."

Dave: "Where's ya dunny?"

Sam: "Down the hall."

Dave: "Sweet. Cheers for the saussie"

Sam: "All good bro."

illymays · 2 days

Cool cool.

illymays · 2 days

If they were valued at $104billion when shares were $38, now they are worth $31 does that mean Facebook is now valued at ~$85billion? A drop of $19 billion in less than a week?

Imphillamarr · 2 days

I guess, to them, it's like pulling off a perfect crime or something. It's like saying "I totally stole your TV while you were in the room and you had no idea." The truth is, everyone knows. The coke just makes people so confident they think they are pulling it off. The problem is they are talking 200 words a minute, acting out of character, and running off to the bathroom every 5 minutes.

Imphillamarr · 2 days

Oh, sorry. Right you are.

Imphillamarr · 2 days

No one realizes this

Having known many coke addicts in my time I can assure you that people know. They might not say anything (except behind their backs) but people always know.

jandalofdoom · 3 days

So all the actors, producers, writers, directors, editors ... They all count for nothing?

jandalofdoom · 3 days

for 3 fucking years

Fuck off, guy(or girl).

Could have fooled me.

jandalofdoom · 3 days

So, you're saying the show should be cancelled?

jandalofdoom · 3 days

Whoa... calm down dude.

I'm sorry if you thought I was in anyway undermining your fan status. I wasn't. I was merely putting forward a view that rather than wallowing in sadness over losing Dan Harmon, we should be appreciative the show wasn't cancelled at all.

Also - cocky? You're the one who came in all fucks a blazing.

jandalofdoom · 3 days

Well. You assume it's gone. I mean we haven't actually seen a new episode yet. So really it's all just hearsay until then.

jandalofdoom · 3 days

There is no Community without Dan Harmon, but there could be a show called Community that remains pretty good without Dan Harmon.

I see what he means. But I would rather have a dulled Community than no Community.

jandalofdoom · 3 days

Rather than just downvoting, why don't you actually comment and start a conversation?

ajmint · 4 days

He didn't get the Wolf 359 reference? Sheesh. Obviously not a Trekkie.

lukas5150 · 4 days

It looks like the plane is trying to escape before some giant door closes. Sort of like this

jam_sandwich123 · 4 days

Is... Is your dad wearing crocs?

croagunk · 4 days

I know this has already been solved, but just for 200% confirmation, I had one of these in my car about 5-6 years ago. It is, in fact, a cell phone holder. Not only did it hold the phone, but the packet also claimed to increase the battery life. Although I don't know if that was true or not.

jandalofdoom

TROPHY CASE

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