When is it not okay to contact an ex?

Boolean · 2012-05-24T07:23:29.191479+00:00

Not OK:

One person wants to get back together very badly, to the point of distress, and the other isn't interested -- the uninterested party should do the gentlemanly/ladylike thing and cut contact to avoid reopening wounds.
When drunk or high. (In fact, it's a good idea to change exes' names in your phone to "HEY DRUNK ME, DON'T TEXT THIS NUMBER, ASSHOLE!" or something like that.)
When you haven't had any contact since the breakup, but suddenly hear the other person is engaged/with someone new/having a baby.
When you haven't had any contact since the breakup, but have a perverse urge to tell your ex that you're engaged/with someone new/having a baby.
In violation of a court issued order of protection, obviously.
To harass, abuse, intimidate, or manipulate your ex in any way.
If you are in a new relationship and will be tempted to cheat with the ex.
If you are not over the ex and will be held back in moving on by making contact.

When it's OK:

Directly in regard to kids you have together, in as amicable a manner as possible and in alignment with any legal agreements about contact and custody.
About legitimate joint affairs that need resolving, like a shared business you are dissolving or a house you owned together and are selling.
If both people are over the relationship and both want to be friends -- a good test of this is if both are comfortable hanging out with each other's new partners and treating them well.

Imaginethisisapun · 2012-05-24T07:17:59.764465+00:00

You're interfering with her new relationship because it's obvious you're not over her. If you really do want to be friends, give her space for a while (months, not days) and then reach out once you're certain you're over her.

secret_engagementman · 2012-05-24T07:16:29.333611+00:00

Hey dude:

Requests for relationship advice and updates to previous posts only.

I don't actively mod anymore so I'm not removing the post, but I suggest you delete it as another mod likely will soon. /r/newreddits and /r/shamelessplug are appropriate for this kind of thing. Once you have a chunk of subscribers, message the mods here and see if they will consider adding your sub to the sidebar. I don't mean to rain on your parade, it's just that the rules is rules, mayne.

yourstruly65 · 2012-05-24T07:14:40.478363+00:00

If she's a sound sleeper, tie a string around her finger snugly while she sleeps, mark the circumference, and take the string to the jeweler. But really, if you don't know her ring size, just tell the jeweler you're buying for a fiancee who you'll likely need to have the band resized for, and you'll need a setting that allows easy and quick resizing. Then don't put it on her while she's sleeping! Or, you could use the tried-and-true method of pulling her into a jewelry store spontaneously with a wink to "see which style looks best on your hand."

You should try /r/femalefashionadvice for your jewelry needs :)

MythrilSword · 2012-05-24T06:55:24.001405+00:00

Your process has no timetable besides the one you set for it. If you are genuinely happy being single, then let whatever third parties are making you feel dysfunctional for this know that you appreciate their concern, but you will live your life how you please at this point. It's probable that you'll eventually meet someone you want to pursue a relationship with, and at that point you can reevaluate your priorities and decide if you should go for it.

However, if you are distressed by your disinterest in relationships, consider more outdoor exercise (not just because fitness is sexy, but because exercise and sunshine stimulate the production of brain chemicals that encourage pair-bonding) and a therapist.

yourstruly65 · 2012-05-24T01:16:24.554429+00:00

I think my brother's proposal was really cute -- he gave her a scrapbook on a vacation and said he'd left a few blank pages at the end for memories from the vacation they were currently on. Of course she flipped through to see what photos of them together he'd chosen, and it was full of photos and little notes describing why he was so fond of those memories and what good traits about their relationship they exemplified. Then she got to the last few pages, and there was a big "will you marry me?" and he'd cut a hole in the middle of enough pages to tuck the ring in there and tie it in with a ribbon without keeping the scrapbook from closing, and he pulls out a Polaroid camera to snap her reaction to the ring for the scrapbook. You could totally use that one if you decide against the writing in the sand thing, since you'll be proposing on a vacation too.

yourstruly65 · 2012-05-24T01:12:09.782874+00:00

Only do this if you are VERY sure of her ring size! Not romantic to be searching your sheets for a ring you dropped a nice chunk of change on not realizing she'd lost a bit of weight since she was last sized, just enough for it to slip off... or waking up with a numb finger because it's too small for that matter.

eatmysocks1234 · 2012-05-24T00:52:41.004811+00:00

Just typical teenage judgmental competitive behavior. You can put your foot down and tell her that you need her to get along with this other girl or stay home when you hang out with her and your friend. Alternately, you can try reassuring your girlfriend that you think she's a much better girlfriend than the other girl, but asking her nicely to please just drop it and let your friend make his own mistakes. Chances are she'll grow out of this kind of petty stuff, but part of growing out of it is learning that bad behavior gets you called out by people who care about you.

El_Diablo_Blanco · 2012-05-24T00:47:19.248146+00:00

I think a men's center would include any issues people who are men happen to be having at the time that they want to discuss in a male-specific setting. Honestly, if it were limited to issues that aren't intersectional, you would probably end up with a SAWCSM center and then there might be good reason to object to the use of limited University funds to create a space for a group that already has exclusive or near-exclusive access to a great number of privileged spaces.

Even without considering that objection, there are a lot of questions about whether (at college age) there would really be much to talk about that's male-specific and not intersectional and can't be discussed in traditional male-dominated spaces like, yeah, a sports bar or LAN party. Nobody open's women's centers for women to talk about our hair or whine about cheating boyfriends.

(The above two paragraphs are valid only if you accept that SAWCSM is a privileged class in most of America, at least at typical university student age. If you reject that, that's your right, but it doesn't make a lot of sense to try to dissect SRS perspectives on this particular issue if you reject male privilege entirely even where it concerns ONLY males who are also middle income or above, white, able-bodied, and cisgender.)

simplecolors_x · 2012-05-23T23:25:04.581897+00:00

Don't let him twist things around or get off topic, and don't get emotional. Just keep repeating that you are not willing to accept being put down and insulted by your partner.

PROFESSORCAT · 2012-05-23T23:18:15.580865+00:00

Telling you that you made him yell at you is a form of gaslighting.

Yelling is always inappropriate and is sometimes abusive. That doesn't mean the police are going to take him away to jail if they find out that (gasp!) he yelled at his girlfriend a couple times. It does mean that you deserve better treatment than this and that your feelings about it are valid. Is he willing to consider going to counseling to address communication and learn to fight fairly? All couples argue, and a yeller can change. However, it sounds to me like he would rather fault you for his behavior than acknowledge that he could do better.

El_Diablo_Blanco · 2012-05-23T23:15:34.541978+00:00

I think the poster is merely encouraging others to keep in mind that not all men are SAWCSM and have the (often unconscious and unwanted) privileges that go with that. While being a male person comes with male privilege, a person does not necessarily experience a privileged lifestyle, and if they are male and also a low-income racial minority, it is likely they will experience the things that go with being in a marginalized group. The experiences that go with being part of a marginalized group, such as "othering," are among the typical reasons for exclusive spaces like resource centers to exist. One benefit of a men's resource center might be that it would create a more comfortable space for men to discuss the experiences that they have had as a result of areas of structural disadvantage, when they might not be as open about those experiences in front of women due to cultural pressure to express bravado and present an air of invincibility when women are present.

Saydrah · 2012-05-23T20:56:29.055342+00:00

just saw that =/

Saydrah · 2012-05-23T20:50:17.863662+00:00

I can't get away from work and wouldn't be able to make it to Broomfield by 3 if I could, but if anyone gets him and can't keep him personally I can help with rehoming, and I'll pay for his neuter if he's intact. Giving a free cat to the first taker is a bad idea for the obvious reason that most people actually prepared to make a 13+ year commitment to a pet are not going to be able to make that decision in time to race to an apartment in Broomfield and take him... this cat could go to a good home but it's just as likely someone intending to resell him or someone wanting a cat for less than savory reasons will show up, if the ad is real.

(Could be a malicious prank using a friend or enemy's address and phone number, though, so if you are tempted to try to get the cat, be cautious and don't chew out this "Jenn" without knowing the full situation!)

EDIT: Ad is deleted but just in case anyone knows who got the cat and they end up needing help with it, leaving this comment up.

notdrivingyet · 2012-05-23T18:31:10.882597+00:00

Oh, thanks, I was confused, misread his getting home early as that he gets home from work typically earlier than her and that's why he can pick her up, and she was wondering if it's ok for her to be asking him to pick her up every day.

hurting_tonight · 2012-05-23T18:05:50.719672+00:00

You don't owe her your friendship. If you want to be a genuine friend to her, tell her that because you want to be friends, you need to cut contact until your feelings have abated, and that you will be in touch when you're ready for a friendship. If you don't actually want to be friends and just want her back, then tell her, "I don't want to be friends. I want you back, and if that's not an option, I am not able to continue the friendship because I feel too strongly about you."

Also, there's an /r/Denver meetup every Thursday night at the Wynkoop. You should go out and have some fun. It'll make you feel better, and you might meet someone! If you're into politics, you'd also be welcome at an event I'm hosting Friday in Arvada. Reddit Denver is pretty active and we can help you keep busy :)

Birdland707 · 2012-05-23T11:03:29.070967-07:00

There is a cosmic truth about relationships that goes like this: Seek through your spouse's private things, and ye shall find something that disturbs you enough that it forces you to admit you snooped.

When you get to the point of not trusting someone so much you can't resist going through their phone, either you have issues or your gut is telling you something is seriously off to the point where you should do the dignified thing and just call it quits without snooping for "evidence" first.

If you want to preserve the relationship, admit what you did, apologize, and ask her to explain. Then decide if you trust her explanation. Chances are, she's done with the relationship and so are you, just you got together so young neither of you is ready to admit it.

notdrivingyet · 2012-05-23T18:01:05.887096+00:00

If you are working until that late at night I think you are being smart to ask for a ride, depending on how safe your local bus system is. 2 1/2 hours at 10:30 PM is a lot of time on public transit for something unfortunate to happen. Maybe I'm paranoid because I grew up in a city where buses are a transit method mostly for prostitutes and drug dealers after dark, but if I were in your boyfriend's shoes I would be glad you were not taking the bus for such a length of time at that hour every day.

However, you should be understanding if he is tired of driving and doesn't want to pick you up. And if you aren't in therapy for that driving phobia, try it--desensitization is one of the few therapies that is really thoroughly proven and consistent. If psychology ever gets close to a "hard science," it's in treating phobias.

itsajackalitsajackal · 1 day

First of all: You're probably not going to be drop-dead gorgeous your whole life, unless you die young. Enjoy and celebrate your beauty, but please don't get into the habit of trading on your looks any more than you have to. Your "pretty privilege" will mean you can get away with shit that an ugly girl couldn't; don't beat yourself up for things that are a random blessing you didn't ask for, but also don't shoot yourself in the foot by failing to develop job skills and interpersonal skills because you can, for a while, substitute being beautiful for maturing in other areas.

One of the relationship skills that you could avoid developing because you're pretty, but will end up missing if you do avoid it, is faithfulness. I get it: You're still at an age where you can't take two steps without a surge of teenage hormones slapping you in the face, and an older guy with the right kind of charisma can be incredibly charming. We've all been there. And frankly, you can get away with it, because chances are your boyfriend doesn't think he could get another girl as hot as you, and if you cry and leverage sex to befuddle him into forgiving you, you could cheat on him and keep him.

Don't do that. Be a good human being. It may not get you farther in life faster than using your looks to get what you want, but it will make you a happier adult. You are at an age when the part of your brain that governs good judgment is still developing, and everything you do related to judgment and good choices is literally a part of how your brain will be hard-wired for the rest of your life. If you let yourself get away with something you know to be wrong this time, it will be a very tempting thing to do in every relationship you have, either forever or until you spend some time really working hard in therapy. Tell the older guy that you can't see him again because you made a mistake in your relationship the last time you saw him, then stick to it. If you can do that and absolutely not see him again, then I grant you a one-time pass not to tell your boyfriend you slipped up and kissed the friend.

As for male friends: Hang out with gay guys, or just be patient. Men will come into your life who can be genuine, platonic friends. They probably won't do so when you're a drop-dead gorgeous 18-year-old girl, but there's a chance they might. The older you get, the more you will run into mature, genuine, thoughtful men who are in their own marriages or committed relationships and genuinely bond with you as a non-sexual friend. It takes time, though. I made my first heterosexual male friend who truly never, ever, ever had any sexual interest in me whatsoever when I was 22 and he was 29--and I'm NOT drop-dead gorgeous, I'm above average when I make an effort and below average when I don't.

kernafigjam · 1 day

Fun fact... SRS attacks people for (usually) putting in a female gender identifier when they don't need to

Prove that, without resorting to obviously antagonistic or sexist uses of the female identifier, as opposed to (in the example you chose to make an accusation about) its use to refer to someone who is portrayed positively.

SRS has no problem with: Use of "she" to refer to a hypothetical person in a context where "they" or "s/he" would also work.

SRS (presumably, I don't really read them much) has a problem with: Use of "she" as assumption based on negative stereotypes of women. E.g., someone posts "I'm dating someone who refuses to get a job and prefers to live on my earnings," and a commenter replies, "She should get her ass a job and stop being such a leech!"

Fun fact: I'm ignoring your pejorative asides because they're not relevant to the discussion. You're welcome to stop replying to me at any time, or to provide some proof for your accusation at any time.

kernafigjam · 1 day

So link an example of someone using a female gendered pronoun in the context of a gender-neutral hypothetical person and being attacked by SRS for it. You have still not cited anything to support any of your accusations. You are the person making an accusation, so the burden of proof is on you. Let's see what you're talking about. You will notice that I have made no accusations toward you nor called you any names in this discussion. I did roll my eyes at you once.

ArmyDouche · 1 day

Trauma support and crisis intervention protocol:

Safety and Security. This means if she has any fears about her immediate safety, you listen to them and empower her to make decisions that will help her feel safe. For instance, if she is now afraid of driving, you could brainstorm ideas with her for addressing that, ranging from public transit to taking a defensive driving course.
Ventilate and Validate. Listen without judgment to anything she wants to tell you, and validate her feelings. Phrases like, "I'm so sorry this happened to you," "You have my deepest sympathies," and "It's okay to feel that way," are helpful here.
Prepare and Predict. This is where your knowledge from your job may come in handy -- offer her information about what she can expect as she goes through this process. Let her know that whatever feelings she has are normal and that everyone grieves differently. Tell her that you understand she may be feeling strongly about this for a while. Encourage her to seek grief counseling and deal with this as the trauma it is, and make sure she knows that the sooner she does get into counseling the less likely this is to cause long-term depression or trauma issues.

Just be there for her right now. Let her deal with the trip after she's gotten through the immediate trauma. Tell her you'd love to see her still but you will understand if she can't.

n00f · 1 day

I ain't your bro, stranger.

kernafigjam · 1 day

~eyeroll~

inject gender where it doesn't need to be.

Exactly. Where is SRS's stance rejecting the use of "she" to refer to a hypothetical college student? There's no reason gender shouldn't have been in that sentence, given that one option for a typical pronoun usage about a genderless hypothetical is to simply pick one or the other pronoun.

Let me simplify it for you: A hypocrite is:

a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

SRS has never stated that they believe or feel that the gratuitous use of the female pronoun to refer to gender-neutral hypothetical persons is wrong. They feel that way about the male pronoun. This is in line with their overall philosophy stating that most Redditors live in a country in which systems of male privilege impact women to their detriment.

Let's say that you have some paint and you believe that the perfect color for it to be would be purple. Right now, it is red. Purple is a blend of blue and red, so in order to turn your red paint purple, do you add equal amounts of blue and red to it, or do you simply add blue?

It is fairly clear that SRSers use "she" in this way (or, those who do use she this way do so) because they feel that "he" is overused in the same context and the use of "she" evens things out a bit while making people think about why they react to reading "he" by thinking "a person" and to "she" by thinking "why does this person have to be portrayed as a female person?"

That's not hypocrisy. You can, and I imagine would, argue that it is a wrong stance and immoral, but if their stance is "There is too much male privilege everywhere, including the English language, and it is time for women and male allies to call this out loudly and aggressively," then the use of female pronouns for hypothetical persons is consistent with that stance.

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