I wrote this short story about the life of Bullet Bill last year. Maybe Reddit will enjoy it.

The Life of Bullet Bill

I’m told it was a perfect spring day in the Mushroom Kingdom. The sun was shining in the blue sky with just the right amount of clouds. Bountiful piles of coins glistened as they caught the sun at the perfect angle. Colorful mushrooms and flowers were sprinkled across the boundlessly green fields as far as the eye could see. In terms of the weather, this was just another normal day in the Mushroom Kingdom; the weather is always perfect here. This was, however, not a normal day at all. All the neighborhood Goombas and Koopas gave up playing in the fields as they usually do and gathered in my back yard. As my grandpa Banzai will tell you time and time again, this was the busiest, happiest, and most stressful day of his life. He scurried left and right as he put everything in order because this was the day my father was expected to be shot into existence! Everyone who was anybody in Mushroom Kingdom was invited for the festivities. Bob-omb, Boo, Shy Guy, Chain Chomp, the Hammer Brothers, and even the magnanimous King Bowser himself eagerly gathered around the cannon when all of a sudden, they heard a thundering “BOOM!” My father was born! Around and around he flew, still covered with fresh gunpowder. “Muahahaha! What a lively little one!” King Bowser exclaimed, “What shall we call him?” Grandpa Banzai pondered at the question for what seemed like eons – a name is a very important thing after all. “We shall name him Bill, after my great grandfather,” he finally declared. Everyone cheered in celebration and took turns shaking hands with grandpa. “I’m certain that little Bill here will accomplish many great things in his life,” King Bowser announced – and he was right. Everywhere my father flew in his life, he changed the lives of those around him but as the saying goes, “no good deed goes unpunished.” Thus began the life of Bullet Bill.

As soon as the confetti and gunpowder settled, my father wasted no time in beginning his journey across the vast Mushroom Kingdom. Far and fast he flew across green pastures, over steep cliffs, and around snowy peaks. As a bullet would, he flew and flew until the sun went to bed and the moon showed its cheesy face. He flew and flew by blossoming piranha plants, spiny cacti, and autumn leaves of every shade. In his journeys, he became acquainted with the Kingdom better than most. The Kingdom became his home and its citizens his neighbors. He never passed an opportunity to greet his neighbors. No matter if they were green or orange, spiky or smooth; Bill became friends with everyone, everywhere he flew. He attended mushroom weddings, ghost funerals, and even a plumber’s baby shower much like his own. People tell me all the time that my dad was the nicest guy they knew.

My father wasn’t known just for his friendliness either. Just as King Bowser had prophesized on day one, Bullet Bill lived his life to the fullest and accomplished many great things. My uncle Bob-omb recalled one time his house caught on fire due to a certain match incident with the kids. An important lesson for all you little bombs out there, don’t play with matches! Well anyway, my cousins got trapped in the gunpowder basement of the burning house, helplessly awaiting their certain doom. Without as much as a second thought, Bullet Bill sprang into action. He blasted through the front door, sped through the fire and flames, and risked his life to rescue my cousins. When he got to the basement, however, it was already too late – my cousins had already exploded. Headlines across Mushroom Kingdom the following day read, “Bullet Too Slow to Rescue. Destroys Family.” To this day, my uncle has not forgiven my father for his failure.

Depressed, guilty, and deprived of his youthful energy, Bullet Bill gave up his lifelong journey of exploring the Mushroom Kingdom. He returned to his hometown, settled down with my mom and eventually had me. He took a gloomy, minimum-wage job as a security guard just to put food on the table. Gone was the energetic Bullet Bill that everyone once knew, but he did what he could with what resources he had. I don’t remember much from when I was little, but from what grandpa tells me, my dad was the best dad a kid could ask for. He would work long hours every day and still find time to play Super Smash Brothers with me. My father instilled in me all the good values of life as only a loving father could.

Then came a gloomy day in September – one of those days where something was bound to go wrong. The clouds were unusually heavy and dark. The wind whistled an ominous tune as it blew across the plain. I was frightened and begged my dad to say home, but he couldn’t. He patted my head, told me that it’s going to be ok, and went to work. Around noon that day, my mom also left to deliver my father’s lunch as she usually does. That evening, I waited and waited with Grandpa Banzai for them to come home. I waited and waited until the sun went to bed and the moon showed its cheesy face. I never saw my parents ever again. I found out later that a burglar had broken in through the pipes at work. My father did everything he could to protect my mom but the pyromaniac torched them both. He then robbed their lifeless bodies for coins and simply jumped away. Bullet Bill lived his life to the fullest and always tried to be a good person. He was a friend to many. He was a loving husband. Most importantly, he was my father and idol. Whoever that murderer is, I vow to hunt him down. I will not rest until my parents are avenged.