My SO wants to stop taking the pill. Am I a jerk for pressuring her to stay on it?

The_Lobbyist · 1 year

Have you considered a copper IUD? No hormones, 99% effective.

drippingpitch · 1 year

The pill can seriously suck, and all the side effects don't always show up immediately. I went off after almost two years because it was turning me into a crazy emotional freak.

I understand that condoms are a pain and about 15% less effective than hormonal birth control/IUD. Maybe you could experiment with a condom + spermicide combination, that definitely increases the effectiveness.

Also, there are a ton of different condoms these days, all targeted at being as un-condomy as possible. You might experiment with those.

Finally, since I went off birth control, I had to find a new form. The only non-hormonal birth control with 99% effectiveness is the paragard, an IUD. I don't have to think about it until about 2020. It is removable whenever you want it. It hurt a ton to get in, but after a couple days it was fine. It's normally $500-$600 dollars, but I got mine for free through Planned Parenthood, and they are a great resource in general on what you can do in this situation. Soo there are non hormone options, but it is ultimately up to her.

A word on pressure- for some, sex is already a high-pressure situation without extra overt pressure from a partner. It sucks to feel like a sexual problem is your fault. My SO was incredibly supportive throughout our birth control issues, and I think it's a good policy for this as well. Hope some of my advice is helpful!

ladiesfortruthiness · 1 year

Being "irritated at the prospect of going back to condom sex after years of bare dickin": Not a Jerk.

"Pressuring" your girlfriend to stay on a medication that is fucking with her body and making her ill so that you can get your rocks off in a slightly more pleasurable way: Serious Jerk.

MalevolentDragon · 1 year

I don't think you're a jerk for voicing you opinion on the subject, though you should realize that she is perfectly just in her position. She has to realize that telling men, "I'm not on the pill," might have some repercussions, and you obviously have the right to adjust how you handle your relationship with this new info.

Two things:

Encourage her to talk to her doctor about other options beyond the pill (IUD, Nuva-ring, etc.) to see if they are a better fit. My Ex-GF switched to the ring because she found the pill to be too much of a pain and she would forget. However, the ring is significantly more expensive, so YMMV.
To help buffer the expense involved, consider offering to split the costs. While it IS her body, her choice affects you, so I've found that it is not only gentlemanly to offer, but helps her opinion on the matter.

Leprecon · 1 year

Her health < my sexual pleasure

You should know whether that makes you a jerk or not...

steve70638 · 1 year

Never EVER force a woman to stay on a birth control method that doesn't work with her body.

I may sound like a dick, but it's true. It's her body, not yours.

JohanessBlock · 1 year

Sure, it's less pleasurable for you while you're having sex...but being on the pill is less pleasurable for her all the time.

If you really are pressuring her you are kind of a jerk. Might I suggest a vasectomy. It may seem like a big deal to lose your ability to have children, but there are many kids out there looking for good adoptive parents and though many feel initially that it's not "theirs" they almost always end up feeling afterwards like they were stupid to think "theirs" mattered at all.

Chilewilly · 1 year

my SO did the same. she tried different types of birthcontrol and had she felt bad side effects from most. i figured me using a condom is less painful to me than all of the possible side effects that she gets from other forms of birhtcontrol. suck it up and use a condom. sex is still great.

eforemergency · 1 year

Yes, you a a jerk. You should never, ever pressure her to stay on a hormonal supplement if she doesn't want to. There are real side effects to the pill including mood changes and weight gain, and if she is opposed to messing with her body then you should support her. Go get a vasectomy if you hate condoms so much.

ShawnaNana · 1 year

Yes, you are. It's her body and her choice, and those side effects can be nasty. She's putting herself through all of this FOR YOU, already. You should be able to bite the bullet and sacrifice something for her.

Moustachiod_T-Rex · 1 year

Voicing your opinion is not being a jerk. Birth control has to be, to some degree, a joint decision. Whether you are being a jerk depends on what you mean by 'pressuring'.

katala · 1 year

It's understandable that you don't want to go back to a condom. There are various different types of birth control and instead of sticking to either pill or condoms, you should discuss some of the alternatives. The pill really sucked for me. I was always moody, bloating, feeling naseous, the works. I moved to Ortho-low, which helped a lot, but I still had side effects. I eventually switched to an IUD and all of the side effects vanished and things were great. Not every form of birth control works for everyone. Making her stick with one that's not working for her is inconsiderate, but that doesn't mean there aren't other options.

disjunction · 1 year

Aren't there many different oral contraceptive pill formulations and dosages, rather than a single "the pill"?

Perhaps you could encourage your SO to discuss other pill options with her doctor, and see if she can find one that suits her.

BusStation16 · 1 year

It depends on how much you are pressuring her. It is ultimately her decision, but you are not a jerk for having an opinion, expressing it and hoping she makes that choice.

FaKeShAdOw · 1 year

I think you two should try a different pill, or get a hormone-free IUD to make her happy or something. There isn't just condoms and "the pill" now, there's other options she should try. I understand the side-effects wanting to make you rage, cause you start to feel VERY DULL in the head sometimes, so go look into shit like NuvaRing, even.

Or vasectomy. You two could even try the whole spermicide + cervix foam cap thing.

earthpeesfire · 1 year

Yes. If you were a better partner, you'd say, "hormone supplements making you feel bad? Then get off that shit and we'll figure something else out".

funbagsandhotdogs · 1 year

There are other options other than BC pills. If your gf doesn't like the pill, there is no reason for you to pressure her to stay on it. I'd suggest you consider other options such as a hormonal or copper IUD. I have had the Mirena for two years and it was the best contraceptive choice I have ever made. I had slight cramping for a few months with light bleeding. But after that, I have had no cramping and no bleeding (yay, no periods!). But everyone is different and you have to look into your choices to see what fits you both best.

For me BC pills made me bloated, gave me emotion-roller-coaster-itis, gave me severe acne, killed my sex drive, and gave me vaginal dryness (which made sex not fun at all). My point is that these pills are probably making her miserable... And while you don't want to wear condoms because they are annoying for you - she has to experience the crappy side effects of the pills alone.

Just because condoms are shitty and inhibit sensation (for both parties, I might add), does not mean your gf needs to go it alone as far as BC options. So you need encourage her to look for other options - not keep her stuck in one she hates.

Micromidget · 1 year

Things to consider: Implant: Implanon (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Implanon) Commonly used in the UK and available in the US (and good results, very few issues with weight gain or any form of acne. Does not use estrogen, but only progesterone.)

Nexplanon is the improved version of Implanon (shows up on X-rays). I use it now and I LOVE IT! All the weight from my Birth Control Pills faded away (and I have tried lots of different kinds over the past 8 years). It was weight that I noticed, although others may not have. I feel like me again, and sometimes you luck out into no periods. It doesn't use estrogen, so you have fewer issues with acne, weight gain, etc. It works for 3 years and is COMPLETELY reversible! :) I highly recommend it.

JaysonH · 1 year

Have you considered a vasectomy?

Kowai03 · 1 year

Yeah you kind of are.

I went through the same thing. Hormonal contraceptions were making me depressed, moody, killing my sex drive etc etc etc I wanted to stop taking them. (I was on Depo Provera at the time and have tried numerous other ones too)

It was THE BEST DECISION I EVER MADE. I feel so much better since stopping. I'm no long fucking depressed all the time. It's a liberating feeling.

Hormonal contraceptions aren't some magical potion that just works perfectly. They fuck your body up. If this is the reason your SO wants to stop using them then don't be a jerk, use a condom.

It's not like women like condoms any more than you do. Things feel better without one for us too.

VIALPescimist · 1 year

There's a whole host of other birth control methods she can check out, and some of them don't include hormones, like the Paragard IUD, which I have and love.

But yeah, since it's her body undergoing all the change in addition to a woman's normal hormone fluctuations, you don't get to complain about condoms. She has to deal with the side effects 24/7, and you only every time you have sex.

roboticpressure · 1 year

Yes.

mitchrodee · 1 year

Yes. Why should your SO have to ingest a medication that may cause side effects when you could easily toss on a condom?

acusticthoughts · 1 year

Wear a condom. Forcing someone to inject chemicals is being a jerk.

flusterfuck · 1 year

There are other options besides the pill. When I was on the pill it was hell. I gained weight and had morning sickness every day. Now I have a Mirena IUD and it's the best decision I ever made. The only side effects are good ones (severely diminished pms and my periods are so light they're almost nonexistent).

Why doesn't she go to her ob/gyn and talk to them about other options?

chtrchtr_pussyeater · 1 year

A vasectomy was the best thing I could have ever done. It's really not that bad to get the snip done.

Zenie · 1 year

Those new Trogen Ecstasy Condoms are pretty damn close. My gf and I really enjoy them.

resinbelly · 1 year

Mirena, all of my wifes side effects went away when this was implanted.

ilikenicestuff · 1 year

I also hated the pill, i would have enormous side effects and gained a lot of weight not to mention severe depression. I now have the copper IUD and have never been happier. Yes you are a bit of a jerk for pressuring her to stay on something which makes her unhappy for your own personal gain but she has other options so you should discuss these together and maybe come up with something where you both can be happy.

ABTechie · 1 year

You all need to talk with her doctor about other methods of birth control. She is experiencing side effects. You need to show some sympathy and compassion.

athenamarz · 1 year

There are other options out there. I personally love my Mirena IUD.

publicidentity · 1 year

Kind of. I don't understand why most men hate condoms so much. Unfortunately, it's a man's best choice to avoid children, but it doesn't have any emotional or physical side effects. How great is that.

une_anguissette · 1 year

She should check out alternatives!

funnynamegoeshere · 1 year

This is the first time I've ever heard someone say "go back on the condom".

While it does suck, you need to be aware of her issues. Sexxit will do an excellent job of making you well aware, in their own feminist-girl-power way (which I believe is really men masking their misogyny and women lashing out, but whatever). Because I feel this is a little one sided, I'm going argue in your favor a bit before giving my unsolicited opinion.

The people who are calling you an inconsiderate jerk are being inconsiderate jerks themselves. Yes, you may be lacking a good approach and proper tact, but you're dealing with a problem as well. I know because I've been in a similar situation.

I was dating a girl who was having difficulty finding a form of birth control that suited her personal health. Each new form of contraception came with a new list of unacceptable side effects. I understood the complications and we continued to explore different avenues (which is ultimately my advice, but I'll recap at the end). Now everyone, of course, assumed that condoms were our fall back plan. They weren't aware that my own sexual hang-ups caused me to go completely limp moments after donning a condom, making coitus impossible. So we just weren't having sex. The relationship ultimately ended over "if we're not having sex, are we a couple?" which was infuriating for me, because I was sharing her struggle of not having a suitable form of contraception, only my options were notably fewer. I often felt, much like you, that her choosing the form of birth control with the fewest symptoms was the most logical choice... but it's not. Really grasp that before you make any other actions or statements. It's simply not okay for anyone to sacrifice their health for someone else and yes, that is what you're asking of her.

Physical health is the ultimate deciding factor and should be pinnacle above everything else. And worst case scenario; it tears you apart. Life goes on and you're both still healthy.

To recap: you're in a tough pickle, but if you can muster the strength to use the condoms while exploring other avenues, it might save your relationship. If you don't care enough to search for that strength, then the connection isn't strong enough to be concerned about.

[deleted] · 1 year

Yes. You should respect her decision and not get annoyed because you merely have to start wearing a condom again. Grow up.

Pinual · 1 year

Yes, you are. You can talk about other possible methods but the pill is really hard on some women.

Saoi · 1 year

A jerk? Yes. Selfish? Yes. Whiny? Yes.

The pill is fantastic for the benefits, but it fucks with her hormones. All day, every day. Trust me, she's having a worse time with the pill than you would putting a condom on. Nobody likes condoms. But unless you like babies more, a condom's a pretty good alternative. Besides, where she's on hormones all day every day, you only have to wear a condom for a few minutes when you have sex.

Get a vasectomy or wear a condom. Donate to one of the projects aimed at a male version of 'the pill' (such as RISUG). Look into alternative treatments for her if she's willing.

trigg · 1 year

While yes, you are kind of being childish about it, from reading your comments, so is she. You say she comes up with reasons to reject all the other options. What are they? Copper IUDs don't release hormones into the body, a vasectomy is an easy, reversible procedure...

I'm not saying you're right. You're not. Hormones can really mess with things, and if your girlfriend isn't comfortable, you should be supporting her 100% to go off the pill. But once she's off, you should be working together to find another form of reliable birth control besides condoms. That's where it looks like she falls a little short.

I don't know about you guys, but I've almost always been on some form of birth control, and that's mainly because condoms are so damn expensive! At least here they are. That's my main argument against condoms :P My SO will obviously have more, since he has to wear them.

Spiny_Norman · 1 year

There are other options than the pill.

Also, yes. You are being a jerk.

andrewc5 · 1 year

Have you guys talked to the Doc? What about switching to a different brand or a different type of BC? Like IUD?

But, no you are not a jerk for not wanting to go back to the condom.

getfuckingreal · 1 year

Try a different pill, they're not all the same you know.

Higgy24 · 1 year

I think you're kinda being a jerk. If my bf wasn't supportive of me going off the pill, especially if I was experiencing side effects, I'd be pissed. It's physically affecting her body all the time, and you are worried about a minor inconvenience of a condom? IUD's can be very painful as well as expensive, the nuvaring also involved hormones, and there aren't really many other options for non hormonal birth control.

I'm considering going on the copper IUD because I've been on the pill for 6 years now and I am wondering what these hormones might be doing to me. It's a legitimate concern, especially if she is having side effects. I say support her and do what you need to do for birth control. It's been her responsibility now, but maybe it should be your turn.

teratomata · 1 year

Yeah you're a jerk. Ask her to see a doctor if she's having a problem because you care about her, but if all you care about is bare skin fucking you should go fuck yourself.

monikioo · 1 year

Yes you are being a jerk. But maybe you can help her explore other birth control options. I really liked the patch until my insurance decided not to cover it anymore.

Maxxters · 1 year

How about you going on the pill? I hear they do 'em for guys these days.

BexterV · 1 year

How long has she been on it for? Usually if its been less than 3-5 months it's worth waiting it out. Your body takes time to adjust and will usually get used to it and the symptoms go away

Smoked_Herb · 1 year

Ask her to get the Mirena IUD. Even though it has hormones, the only effect of them really is that they can cause a little more cramps, but other words, it's not gonna make her more bloated or anything like that. It's also 99% effective, with no user error possible.

masturbating_fetuses · 1 year

Yes, you are. She's changing her body chemistry for birth control and has decided/realized this is not the method, or at least the pill, for her.

She has other non-hormonal options she could try but you must remember, there is no "one size fits all" form of contraception for women due to the very nature of it.

While she figures this out, you have a choice... wrap it or risk fatherhood.

You could also get a vasectomy you know. A snip, three months of condoms, and bareback the rest of your life.

TheBawdyErotic · 1 year

Hmm.. Several things float through my perimenapausal brain here. Yes, I'm getting up there in age..gives me a frame of ref.
1. The pill sucked for me. Never found one where I felt half way decent. Used it anyway because I was NOT gonna breed with the man I was with - condom or no condom.
2. IUD - Just was THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS much squeemish about putting a hank of copper wire into MY body. You think it's such a good idea? YOU put it in your penis. Not saying it's not effective but the thought just bothered ME.
3. Condoms... hate to say it but the ex was a bit quick on the draw sometimes and when I went off the pill it took him longer to come with a condom on..... means I had a decent chance to get to completion before Ole Jack Rabbit there. Perhaps this is an unspoken complaint. Talk about it. I tried to..he just blew me off..he's my ex. Get it?
4. Now for devil's advocate - does your GF want a baby? Does she wonder if your "courtship" has gone on long enough and it's time to step up to the relationship plate. Becoming even "Accidentally" pregnant will create an atmosphere where the relationship would need to be shoved out of the long term comfort zone. 5. Yes, you're being a jerk if you think your gratification has the right to trump someone else's when they're making the sacrifice of pumping a chit ton of chemicals into their body so you could have a bit more sensation. Hormones aren't all that user friendly for some bodies. Oh..yeah.. last thing. Have fun :-D

cocoabeach · 1 year

Yes, you a a jerk. You are putting your satisfaction above her health. I'm having a hard time even understanding why you had to ask.

If the question would have been she wants to give up the pill and have children, then I would have understood why you would have problems with that.

Bloatware · 1 year

Upvoted for the use of 'bare dickin'

VaginalKnives · 1 year

You could suggest switching pills. All pills have different effects on different women. I had to switch 3 times before I found a pill that suited me.

You could also try the mini-pill. She'll have to take it at like the exact time everyday (the regular pill can be within a few hours and be okay) but it's less (or no?) hormones.

fondueguy · 1 year

It is her choice but nothing wrong with talking it out.

There are supposedly some really good benefits that come from semen too ; )

CaptainDexterMorgan · 1 year

Maybe you should look into the IUD. It's very effective and there's non-hormonal ones.

[deleted] · 1 year

How long has she been on the pill? Those types of side effects usually disappear after a couple months. It's definitely worth it to bite the bullet for the first month or two before things even out.

PublicStranger · 1 year

What kinds of birth control pill has she tried? I've personally had a lot of success with Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo. I use it even when I'm not sexually active because it makes my periods more regular, reduces menstrual pain, stabilizes my mood, and otherwise just makes me feel better all around.

Every person's body chemistry is a little bit different, and there are a lot of different kinds of birth control pills out there to complement our physiological diversity. She might try shopping around a bit before giving up altogether.

ihavethemelody · 1 year

I'm surprised her GP or Gyno didn't recommend that she try a different type of pill.

moltenrock · 1 year

Has she explored other pills? Seen a doctor? --- these things are a negotiation and everyone should do their do-diligence - including her.

moltenrock · 1 year

Has she explored other pills? Seen a doctor? --- these things are a negotiation and everyone should do their do-diligence - including her.

neguohsi · 1 year

I don't think it's bad to tell her about your reservations, but definitely don't try to make her feel bad for wanting to do something that will keep her healthy and happy. Try to see if there's a way to compromise with another form of birth control.

For example, what about the patch (eg. Ortho Evra)? If neither of you are worried about STDs, it's a pretty safe alternative. You have to remember to change it every Sunday (and remove it for a week when you're supposed to get your period), but it's less than the everyday reminder you need for the pill. The downside is that there's an increased chance of bloodclots/etc. In any case, she should talk to her doctor.

bassoongrl · 1 year

I would advise she try other forms of birth control if I were you and that until she found something that allowed her to feel good you would wear a condom. It's a compromise and perhaps you'll feel like less of a jerk. I happened to try one form of birth control and got extremely ill and haven't tried another form since. Having a SO not be supportive of that doesn't help at all. So even if you hate the idea of condoms a) wouldn't you rather be safe than sorry and B) you can help that remain a temporary element of your sex life. I wish you the best of luck!

nupogodi · 1 year

IUD.

lilith480 · 1 year

Have you tried female condoms? They feel better for the guy because he's not actually wearing anything. Once I convinced my ex to try them he didn't want to go back to male condoms.

wergerver · 1 year

yes. try FAM for awhile.

redbeard_argggg · 1 year

I don't think you are being a jerk. You just don't want to have a baby. That is totally fair. It kinda sucks that the only highly effective birth control option for a guy is surgery... but you might wanna look into it.

[deleted] · 1 year

sunshine0808 · 1 year

yes, use a condom.

munchies1122 · 1 year

Bro, there's no need for you to be irritated. It's her body, she's the one sacrificing her comfort just to please your bare dick. My wife just got on the pill, but the second she wants to stop I'll throw on that rubber.

mindaika · 1 year

Yes. Use condoms or get a vasectomy.

MylesMDT · 1 year

You are a jerk, yes. Get a vasectomy, and never have to worry about being the baby-daddy, ever.

loleeta · 1 year

I couldn't take the hormones of birth control, they made me absolutely miserable. But, there are lots of options these days. I now have an IUD and love it. Don't pressure her on the issue; she needs to do what she needs to do for her body.

fuckyoushima · 1 year

upvote for username

cpgeek · 1 year

if you were simply requesting / stating your preference, then no. if you're pleading with her, then yes, you're being selfish.

you need to work together to find a good birth control method that you can both get behind. I strongly recommend checking out diaphragms and iuds, or there's always pregnancy... when she's pregnant, she's more or less guaranteed to not get (more) pregnant for at least 9 months...

lin_ny · 1 year

You aren't a jerk for feeling that way. Trust me, condoms are less enjoyable for both parties. However, it is her body. And hormonal birth control can be pretty detrimental and damaging. The more you make her feel bad about it, the more pressure she'll feel to do something she doesn't want to and potentially the more resentful she'll be.

I'd say, be supportive of her decision without too much belly-aching. She'll really love you for it.

brauhze · 1 year

My girlfriend also hated hormonal birth control and what it did to her body. We used a diaphragm for a few years before I got a vasectomy.

madelinecn · 1 year

I've tried many different types of hormonal birth control and simply couldn't do it. They can be absolutely awful for a lot of women.

Sapphires13 · 1 year

Yes, you're kind of a jerk for pressuring her to stay on it. Hormonal birth control is not a comfortable thing for all women. I myself can no longer take the pill, because the side effects were too much.

Thankfully there are plenty of different kinds of birth control options available to you. It's not just the pill or condoms. Has she considered a diaphragm? Same concept as a condom (barrier method) except it's her wearing it, not you, and it's totally hormone free.

awp105 · 1 year

Pressuring someone to stay on a drug that is causing them negative side effects because of issues of your own sexual pleasure is a rather jerkish move. Of course, going back to condom sex after years of bareback ... ugh.

People have mentioned a vasectomy, but I would look into an IUD. They are (relatively) cheap, effective and immediately reverseable - and most women handle them with limited to no side effects!

SenorSpicyBeans · 1 year

Remind her that condoms' failure rate can be as much as three times higher than the pill's, even with proper usage.

whosbloodisthat · 1 year

Yep.

Dildozium · 1 year

Yes.

xerexerex · 1 year

Just get a vasectomy. If you ever decide you really want kids just adopt.

cbpickl · 1 year

You aren't being a jerk, you're just proving that you're alive.

Your body is perfectly aware that condom sex is vastly inferior and your body itself is dealing with the fact that from now on, instead of enjoying, you'll just be pretending!

Just remember to take it with a pinch of salt. It's far from the end of the world. In fact, you can even use this as a divining rod. If the condom's discomfort turns out to be more powerful than your sexual appetite for your significant other, then you probably shouldn't be with her anyway!

Either way, your reaction is perfectly normal. Just remember not to be a dick about it.

archeusdevine · 1 year

If it is causing her pain or anguish yes, if its so she isnt the responsible one, well wrap before you tap it.

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